Koneko x Issei: The Legend of The Dildo
by Koneko Toujou
Summary: Koneko Toujou's dildo is missing. Will she ever find it? or will she live the rest of her life without it, and the pleasure that it provides.
1. It's gone!

**Koneko x Issei: The Legend of The Dildo**

**Chapter 1: "It's gone!"**

It all started when our cliché, protagonistic figure, Koneko Toujou, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely concerned, Koneko attacked a fallen angel, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unaware of the bleakness of existence, she realized that her beloved (and very large) dildo was missing! Immediately she called her overly elitist, rich, perverted boyfriend, Issei Hyoudou. Koneko had known Issei for (plus/minus) one billion years, the majority of which were funny ones. Issei was very unique. He was very generous though sometimes a little... perverted. Koneko called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Issei picked up to a very angry Koneko. Issei calmly assured her that most 3-legged wallabies belch before mating, yet venomous koalas usually exotically sneeze after mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Koneko. Why was Issei trying to distract Koneko? Because he had snuck out from Koneko's house with the dildo only six days prior. It was a curiously big dildo... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Koneko got back to the subject at hand: her dildo. Issei grimaced. Relunctantly, Issei invited her over, assuring her they'd find the dildo. Koneko grabbed her backpack and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Issei realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the dildo and he had to do it quick. He figured that if Koneko took the car, it would take at least three minutes before Koneko would get there. But if she took the Quadcopter? Then Issei would be totally screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Issei was interrupted by six slimey slimes that were lured by Koneko's dildo. Issei sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aptly reached for his dull pencil and aimlessly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent. The discouraged slimes began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Quadcopter rolling up. It was Koneko.


	2. What's that smell?

**Koneko x Issei: The Legend of The Dildo**

**Chapter 2: "…What's that smell?"**

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of korean fried chicken, so she knew she was running late. With a hasty leap, Koneko was out of the Quadcopter and went explosively jaunting toward Issei's front door. Meanwhile inside, Issei was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the dildo into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Issei was concerned but at least the dildo was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Issei indiscriminately purred. With a skillful push, Koneko opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive rationality-deprived retard in a jumping ghetto sled (Lowrider),' she lied. It's fine,' Issei assured her. Koneko took a seat right next to where Issei had hidden the dildo. Issei shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Koneko was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Issei noticed a dimwitted look on Koneko's face. Koneko slowly opened her mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?'

Issei felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when Koneko asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the dildo right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Koneko's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-that's just my grandma's old uniform from when she went to Kuoh Acadamy. She, uh...dropped it by here earlier'. Koneko nodded with fake acknowledgement ...then, before Issei could react, Koneko skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The dildo was plainly in view.

Koneko stared at Issei for what what must've been five seconds, which felt like hours for Issei. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Issei groped scandalously in Koneko's direction, clearly desperate. Koneko grabbed the dildo and bolted for the door. It was locked. Issei let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Koneko,' he rebuked. Issei always had been a little oafish, so Koneko knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Issei did something crazy, like... start throwing live hand grenades at her or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, she gripped her dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Issei looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed a little too excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Koneko. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Koneko. 'Oh. You ...okay?' Still silence. Issei walked over to the window and looked down. Koneko was gone.


	3. Eww, slimes

**Koneko x Issei: The Legend of The Dildo**

**Chapter 3: "…Eww, slimes"**

Just out of sight, Koneko was struggling to make her way through the disease-infested jungle behind Issei's place. Koneko had severely hurt her taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral slimes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the dildo. One by one they latched on to Koneko, tearing off her clothes. Already weakened from her injury, Koneko yielded to the slimy onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of slimes running off with her dildo.

About ten hours later, Koneko awoke, her love handle throbbing. It was dark and Koneko did not know where she was. Deep in the hazy disease-infested jungle, Koneko was very lost. Suddenly cheered up by the Fairy Tail theme song (which was stuck in her mind for some odd reason), she remembered that her dildo was taken by the slimes. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, an enormously large slime emerged from the imaginary desert. It was the alpha slime. Koneko opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when it was filled up with the disgusting slime. The slime then sunk its teeth into Koneko's breast. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Koneko's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a total loser and a failure.

Less than two miles away, Issei was entombed by anguish over the loss of the dildo. 'MY PRECIOUS!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With an over-excessively calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his fingernails. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Koneko... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he really loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing the demise of their friendship. And as the dew on the melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant slimes, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived happily ever after, but they were too busy fighting over a dildo and now they are dead. So, no one lived forever after.


	4. Are You There, Issei? It's Me, Koneko

**Chapter 4: "Are You There, Issei? It's Me, Koneko Toujou"**

Just as all hope had faded and Issei was about to hang himself in a courageous attempt to avenge the death of his one true love, Koneko, his phone rang… It was Koneko. Somehow she had survived the slimy assassination attempt (which was actually a hit put on her by the rapper Ice Cube). "Issei, I'm coming over. We need to talk" Koneko demanded and proceeded to hang up on the now confused Issei. Though she was still unfathomably pissed at Issei for stealing her beloved dildo, she still had strong feelings for him, and she also knew, that the only way that she could get her dildo back would be to work with him.

When Issei opened his door to see a half-naked, slime covered Koneko, he couldn't help but stare at her bare, small, beautiful breasts. Even though she normally didn't like it when people stared at her, she was starting to love it when Issei did it. Issei genuinely cared for her feelings, but he was still a major pervert, so her discomfort did not matter much to him. "The slimes took the dildo from me" Koneko said, while staring straight into the depts of hell, also known as the eyes of Issei Hyoudou. Issei amazingly found it very funny and started laughing furiously. Koneko, who was at this point extremely tired of his bullshit, landed an artistically impressive punch and sent Issei on a four-meter flying trip. Issei's body slammed against the wall of his house with excessive force and his medium built body fell down onto the wooden floor which had been painted purple the day before this incident.

"A-Are you okay? Issei?" Koneko said, with a melancholic voice. Issei did not flinch the slightest and after a couple of long, antagonizing seconds Koneko went closer to Issei. She could hear his breath, so at least he wasn't dead. "My-My head" Issei gasped as he woke up from the concussion inflicted by Koneko's almost lethal blow. "I'm so sorry" Koneko sarcastically apologized, trying to avoid awakening the merciless wrath of the Red Dragon Emperor. This was something only Koneko knew about Issei; beneath his facade of being a weak (and useless) little pervert boy, lies a demon, just waiting to be unleashed. Koneko had never told Issei anything, not even that his dad was one of the great harem demons. She knew, that if he ever found out, he would use it to fulfill his perverted dream of becoming a harem king (which would include Koneko as her queen). Issei collapsed again and Koneko lifted him up from the ground with ease and softly dropped him in his large triple-bed. She then left his room to sleep on the floor furthest away from Issei.


End file.
